I’ve been to rock bottom wondering how the heck it happened. In 2006, I experienced devastation beyond anything I could have imagined. For six years, I studied Shamanism with a teacher who I trusted with my life. When we first met, I was coming from a 7-year run in the Rave scene consisting of hard partying. In a vulnerable state, my teacher lured me into a romantic relationship convincing me of how important is was to keep it a secret. With a foggy mind and no self-esteem or self-love, I agreed. I saw him the saving grace from the dark life I lived. After his death, I found out he was not who he portrayed himself to be. I discovered I was one of at least 30 women he had secret relations with, including a secret wife of 20 years. The experience knocked me so far off my path I didn’t know which way was up. I found my world shattered with little recognition of who I was. The beauty is, I was unknowingly amidst a tremendous blessing, a tremendous gift (a shift) that was an answer to my prayers. At that time, I was praying to be shown the path of truth, to know God more deeply, and to know myself and love myself the way God loved me. My prayers were answered even though it “looked “quite differently than I might have expected. There is a quote by Anis Nin that captures the essence beautifully. It states, “’And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom’. Everything that was happening was for me. All of it! Every moment supporting the rose bud of who I truly was in opening! The friction was shining the gem. Even though the path was painful at times, in hindsight, I clearly see the miraculous gift of it all. The shift that took place was profound giving me the gift of knowing myself, and God, authentically. Without my visit to rock bottom and those heartbroken moments, I would have never been able to create the beautiful life I now live. This experience tilled the soil for my soul which, among other things, opened the door to meeting my beautiful husband. It was through the crack of my broken heart that enough light shined in that the miracles of healing could transpire. With my willingness to go in and forgive myself I opened my heart to love. I learned to love myself which ultimately created the space to share a profound love with my husband. There is absolute truth in the saying, if you do not love yourself you cannot love another. If we do not go within, we go without. I am eternally grateful for lessons and wisdom I gained in those hard years of my life. They were the wings to freedom where I learned I could fly.
Shift Happens: The Power of Self-Love
